It sounds pretty cool.  I like how you just wrote what you felt and didn't try try to make the whole thing rhyme.  That shit kills a song sometimes.

Here's something I wrote recently

Floating through space
No perception of time
Stumbling through blackness
Not even stars shine

Is this what happens when you die
I look down, but see no loved ones cry
I wonder, are they missing me
Enclosed in a prison of blackness
Though at the same time I'm free

Free to float through the astral river
Is this my fate for eternity
No I must get it together
Unless I wish to remain here forever

Please, please take my hand
Is somebody out there
Won't you show me the way

Please, please take my hand
Is there somebody out there
I do not wish to stay

A light at the end
Could I be on the path
To be blessed in God's glory and be spared Hell's wrath

No, it's not my time
I must remain behind
I must find the way to my skin
Before it's too late

I will not return only to be shown
That my body has been buried before a cold stone