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mitchejw
 Rep: 129 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

mitchejw wrote:

Hey guys,

I have been a long time member of this board. I appreciate the uniqueness of the people here and could appreciate some insight.

Ahhh yes....women...

Last night after the Beyonce halftime show, my beautiful girlfriend turned to me and said, "would you pay for pole dancing lessons for me?"

I realize this would come as great news to most guys, but I welcomed it with equal parts horror and interest.

in the end....i said that I'm not sure that im ready for that. She was very surprised by this response and was very interested in knowing why. So...i decided to give her a straight forward answer as delicately as possible.

I told her that while I was certain that I would be the beneficiary of this, I was horrified at the thought of her displaying those skills in other realms.

You see...not that many years ago, she was quite accustomed to baring it all in front of men. Im not calling her a whore. I don't believe that she is. But she would get very drunk at times at clubs and find somewhere to dance naked and receive tips for it. I tried not to let this fact bother me, but last night exposed that it does. I believe she only did this a handful of times, but it really pains me to think about. what's worse is when she told me about it, she did so in a bragging way. It makes me believe this idea still appeals to her.

This is completely unrelated but I felt angry this morning as I dropped off HER daughter at school today. The incident has opened up some confusion and frustration for me.

There's more to the story than this....but I'd like to know if I have a right to feel the way that I do. I feel like most men would not respond this way.

RussTCB
 Rep: 633 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

RussTCB wrote:

removed

mitchejw
 Rep: 129 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

mitchejw wrote:
RussTCB wrote:

I get what you're saying. This isn't the same thing, but I've always wanted Stacey to refrain from bartending because she'd have to actively flirt with dudes to get them to buy more drinks and thus get herself bigger tips. That would benefit us of course because she'd be bringing more money in the house and wouldn't really be working hard to do so. At the same time, I'm not interested in her having to pretend to have interest in some other dude as part of her job.

Like I said, I realize that this isn't even close to what you're talking about but it's somewhere in the same realm I think. At least it's the best example I can think of to say I wouldn't be cool with it.

Yes...i too believe that what you experienced, are experiencing, is similar. Truth is...sometimes I hate how flaunty she can be. She really enjoys the attention. I believe that you imply that she doesn't enjoy it and does it reluctantly. Am I wrong?

Your girl that is....

Neemo
 Rep: 483 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

Neemo wrote:

I think that u need to let her do it, if it is interesting or exciting for her its her perogstive to do it, it may come to resentment if u forbid her (or whatever) besides if it makes her feel better about herself and body then its a win for both of u, besides if u are in a relationship with her then u need to trust her...if u can't trust her and support her in her endeavours than what's the point?

Doesn't sound like she wants to headline a stripclub or anything

Russ man u need to trust to, u Guys are engaged and have a house...girls are flirty by nature, its only a job...

Happy wife happy life boys

Saikin
 Rep: 109 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

Saikin wrote:

It sounds like your girlfriend liked, and still continues to like, that kind of attention she gets when she's baring most of her body to people.  That's not necessarily a bad thing either.  As far as you've said, she's never actually received money for performing sex acts.  So all she's done is play the occasional stripper while drunk.  The reason she sounded like she was bragging while telling you this is that there's a common misconception that all straight men would love to date and marry strippers. 

But what gives you the right to tell her that she can't take pole dancing classes because the thought that someone else might see her do it in the future makes you uncomfortable?  If it's what she wants to do, then you need to get over your own insecurities about it and let her do it.  Not only is it something she can call upon in the future to spice up your love life, but it's also a great way to stay in shape. 

You have every right to feel the way that you do.  And if this is not something you are looking for in a partner, then I would advise you to think this over, and talk it over. 

But most of all, don't see it as a threat to your relationship.  And who knows, this could be just a passing fancy and go away on its own.

monkeychow
 Rep: 644 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

monkeychow wrote:

Hmm. Tough situation.

As has been said, I think if you're too negative about it you risk pushing her away.

Firstly because it could be seen as too controlling, and lacking trust - like how often when people are continually falsely accused of cheating they end up going and doing it as payback. It's sort of like if you do the time for it anyway you might as well do the crime or something. Odd but it happens.

Secondly, because if it does relate to some kind of sexual need or fantasy or deeper interest of hers, shutting it down could really alienate her. Think about your response if she blocked your sexual needs by refusing particular deeds or insisting on only certain ways or whatever. She'd suddenly seem boring and inhibiting what you could be doing.

Or of course maybe it's not sexual at all....maybe she just wants to get buff or something and it seems cooler than the gym...don't want to jump to conclusions.

One approach might be to consider what about it turns her on and find ways to scratch that itch that don't upset you. Is it the exhibitionism angle? Maybe you guys could do stuff in places where u might get caught, or like have her flash you when you're out and about or something like that. Or is it the idea of strangers? If so you could look into role play or something. Is it just she feels sexy when watched in which case she could dance for you or otherwise develop more visual aspects to foreplay, or maybe it's just the sense of appreciation - let her know more often she's hot? I dunno...hope i'm not running my mouth here...just pondering some ideas...don't mean it disrespectfully.

Even if she is hell bent on it....it could also just be one part of her personality...doesn't mean she'd have any interest in leaving you or anything like that. Might just be like how you might notice a girl on TV is good looking. You could still be the man she loves and so on...but she finds it hot to dance for others. So you don't want to jump to conclusions too much.

Anyhow...I'd proceed with caution as if she's keen on it being negative could really upset her...but at the same time I can understand the hesitation too....but I'd look into if there's a way to embrace it without crossing your lines too much.

mitchejw
 Rep: 129 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

mitchejw wrote:
Saikin wrote:

It sounds like your girlfriend liked, and still continues to like, that kind of attention she gets when she's baring most of her body to people.  That's not necessarily a bad thing either.  As far as you've said, she's never actually received money for performing sex acts.  So all she's done is play the occasional stripper while drunk.  The reason she sounded like she was bragging while telling you this is that there's a common misconception that all straight men would love to date and marry strippers. 

But what gives you the right to tell her that she can't take pole dancing classes because the thought that someone else might see her do it in the future makes you uncomfortable?  If it's what she wants to do, then you need to get over your own insecurities about it and let her do it.  Not only is it something she can call upon in the future to spice up your love life, but it's also a great way to stay in shape. 

You have every right to feel the way that you do.  And if this is not something you are looking for in a partner, then I would advise you to think this over, and talk it over. 

But most of all, don't see it as a threat to your relationship.  And who knows, this could be just a passing fancy and go away on its own.

I see what you're saying. I don't want to, nor do I feel like it would foster a healthy relationship to try to stifle her "needs."

At the same time, I feel all sorts of double standards going on here...in general, and in this situation specifically. What if the situation was reversed? Perhaps it's the context that frustrates me...she was EXTREMELY jealous over a situation in which another woman organized an event in my honor less than a week ago. How am I supposed to be cool with her "needs" for attention when she is so threatened by anyone giving me any...it's bull...

Believe me, I want to resolve this in a healthy way...but sometimes telling your girlfriend that she's inconsistent doesn't go very well...or do women usually get to have their cake and eat it too? 16

mitchejw
 Rep: 129 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

mitchejw wrote:
monkeychow wrote:

Hmm. Tough situation.

As has been said, I think if you're too negative about it you risk pushing her away.

Firstly because it could be seen as too controlling, and lacking trust - like how often when people are continually falsely accused of cheating they end up going and doing it as payback. It's sort of like if you do the time for it anyway you might as well do the crime or something. Odd but it happens.

Secondly, because if it does relate to some kind of sexual need or fantasy or deeper interest of hers, shutting it down could really alienate her. Think about your response if she blocked your sexual needs by refusing particular deeds or insisting on only certain ways or whatever. She'd suddenly seem boring and inhibiting what you could be doing.

Or of course maybe it's not sexual at all....maybe she just wants to get buff or something and it seems cooler than the gym...don't want to jump to conclusions.

One approach might be to consider what about it turns her on and find ways to scratch that itch that don't upset you. Is it the exhibitionism angle? Maybe you guys could do stuff in places where u might get caught, or like have her flash you when you're out and about or something like that. Or is it the idea of strangers? If so you could look into role play or something. Is it just she feels sexy when watched in which case she could dance for you or otherwise develop more visual aspects to foreplay, or maybe it's just the sense of appreciation - let her know more often she's hot? I dunno...hope i'm not running my mouth here...just pondering some ideas...don't mean it disrespectfully.

Even if she is hell bent on it....it could also just be one part of her personality...doesn't mean she'd have any interest in leaving you or anything like that. Might just be like how you might notice a girl on TV is good looking. You could still be the man she loves and so on...but she finds it hot to dance for others. So you don't want to jump to conclusions too much.

Anyhow...I'd proceed with caution as if she's keen on it being negative could really upset her...but at the same time I can understand the hesitation too....but I'd look into if there's a way to embrace it without crossing your lines too much.

I like this response...and I do agree...this is mostly about my own insecurities. I most definitely wouldn't want to push her away. And you're right...and I think I did that...and it hurt a little. Nothing that I couldn't fix...but she was so excited to share the idea with me...and I realize I reacted somewhat negatively...

Still...the fact remains that I feel threatened (hopefully temporarily) by this constant need for her (and many girls') need to be seen. Attention! Attention! Attention! Look at me!!! I guess the question I keep asking myself is, "will my attention every be enough?"

Axlin16
 Rep: 768 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

Axlin16 wrote:

If you're old lady wants pole dancing lessons, I don't see why not as long as they're reasonable.

I think intent comes into play. If it's something she's curious about, and you TRUST her, I don't see the problem.

But if you think you're boring her, and she's pawing at the backdoor wanting out... you might want to stonewall her.

Bono
 Rep: 386 

Re: an adventure in self exploration

Bono wrote:

It all boils down to this: DO YOU TRUST HER?  If you don't that's the issue not pole dancing.  If you do than what's the issue? Either way this really has nothing to do with her and that's the truth.  It's about you.

Personally I like it when other guys look at my girl. I trust her completely and it feels good to know other guys want what I have. Not that it affect how much I'm into her but it's just cool to know they want to go home with her but I'm the one who gets to.  I also trust her 100% so it makes it easy for me to feel that way.  How do you feel about guys looking at her in general? Do you get jealous easily?

If my girlfriend wanted to take pole dancing lessons I'd be all for it BUT I'd ask why of course. If she said because she's thinking about becoming a stripper I'd have an issue with that no doubt but I'd have no issue with her simply wanting to take pole dancing lessons.  It's all about communication. Ask her why she wants to learn. Maybe ask in a humours way if she's planning on making extra money a few nights a week at a strip club to break the ice.

Most guys don't know this or if they do they've forgotten. Quite often girls whether they are single or not, aren't seeking the attention from the men in the room. They're seaking the attention/jealousy of the women in the room. Most girls don't care about the guys looking at them as long as they're looking because as long as they're looking she feels prettier, hotter, more desireable than the other girls in the room.  It's about being better than the other girls, not so much about looking good for the men. It's weird but it's true.

Honestly if you trust her then you should have nothing to worry about.  Truth is if you don't trust her the relationship won't last and she's gonna resent you for having an issue with this because all it says to her is that you don't trust or respect her.

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